Sex Kittens Porn Calendar 2016

Sex: Female.

Kitten: Previous Job.

Porn: What the internet was for before kittens arrived.

Calendar: sequential collection of days, weeks and months that my ‘in-house numpty’ doesn’t share the really good food.

Sleeping cat


Miss January:

That’s the best pose you’re getting in this weather!


X-ray eyes


Miss February:

Who are you looking at?


Thinking cat


 Miss March:

Which is my best side?


Watching something



Miss April:

Thinking man’s crumpet!



Reading paper and books



 Miss May:

Searching for that page three pose.




Got my papers


Miss June:

Got it!



Chilling in the sun




Miss July:

Catching some rays on the rare sunny day.



You looking at me?


Miss August:

You looking at me?


Relaxed rugby



 Miss September:

Trying out a sporty pose.



What's that?



Miss October:

How much more to the right do you want?




Crossed legs


 Miss November:

That’s as BDSM as it gets!




Miss December:

Go away… wake me up when christmas is over!



Until we speak again I’m Bella, and the coat stays on!

[Football explained, or not!] L is for…

LARGESSE… as it is the season to be jolly Santa turned up and the away team were gifted a goal on their first attack, against the early run of play. The greetings were less than seasonal from the home crowd, with references to “You fat ba$t@+d”.

City v Forest [2]

Cue the messages for the locals to overcome the effects of recent LIBATION… though ready for what is anyone’s guess!

Are you readu Cardiff?We soon become aware that L is for LABYRINTHINE… as the mesmeric intricacies of the passing create the equalising goal, while bamboozling the opposition as well as many in the crowd.

LabyrinthineBut this is Cardiff City Football Club, and it doesn’t take long to realise L is for LOST… not as in losing the match, more losing the brief observing of what is occasionally called ‘the beautiful game’! In terms of lexicology, the longevity of lightening locomotion is lobotomised by the lachrymose longeur of limitations. Put another way, we are treated to a litany of languid and laborious lateral play, inducing nothing more than a lamentable display of lacklustre limbo.

BoredArmadilloUntil we speak again this Bella will be longing to luxuriate in lustrous and lyrical liberation. For the record it was Cardiff City 1 Nottingham Forest 1, with the locals having played 24, won 8, drawn 10, and lost 6, which puts them currently 10th in the league.

Why go to Newport?

If Newport is the answer I would have to be very curious as to what was the question! Well, it’s the christmas season, so how do we get to avoid all of those obsessive bargain hunters flooding a shopping centre near you, purchasing all those things they don’t need just because the marketers have substantially dropped the price? It turns out that a couple of cats in the City Arms in Cardiff decided that Newport was the best way of avoiding the strange seasonal habits of the human race.

So three Cardiff-based cats… Yours Truly, Fat Freddies and The Banker (aka India Pale, Chocolate Stout and Organic Cider) set out to investigate…

Ye Olde Murenger House [4]Could it be that Newport has the highest respect for preserving its history? Here’s a novel way of showcasing those spare circa 1530 inns you happen to have lying around down the road from your railway station. Ye Olde Murenger House is so old that everything around it is either closed down or falling down!

Ye Olde Murenger House [1]

Perhaps it’s the modesty of the locals that shines through? Though when a place is often thought of as a beer desert you would be well advised to listen to local wisdom…

Ye Olde Murenger House [2]

Is it the haute cuisine that attracts inquisitive travellers from quite simply miles (well yards) around? The antidote to turkey is probably best found elsewhere…

Ye Olde Murenger House [3]

How about the courteous service? Though my ‘intrepid lotion-guzzler’ suggested that The Lamb has had an interesting recent makeover, providing pleasant surroundings, tasty beer, and perhaps a new innovation in the form of self-service (due to customer invisibility at a distance of a couple of yards). It was probably the desperate efforts to achieve a re-fill that got in the way of any photographic evidence of the makeover.

Or, is it the hotbed of sporting achievement that encourages mere mortals to simply look on in awe? Nuff said…

Newport v Plymouth [2]Truth be known, The Banker has been long exiled in Cardiff from somewhere mysteriously unnamed in south Devon, and has waited more than 66 years to watch the boyhood local team (Plymouth Argyle). Out of pure unadulterated respect the home team, Newport County, lost the match 2-1 not to spoil the occasion. The Banker has the truly unrivalled record of 100% success (take that Leicester City FC fans, with your altitude-induced nose-bleeds at the top of the Premier League!).

Call this food!Until we speak again I intend to be Bella, content with the thought that I can employ a personal envoy to represent me when trips to places such as Newport are on the agenda! Though my ‘ignominious traveller’ claims to have had an enjoyable day in the grunge capital of Europe. Please form an orderly queue when making your unnecessary purchases for temporary pleasures at over-filled emporia near you.

The Battle of Christmas

What's that?It’s the time of year when families get together and try desperately not to beat the crap out of each other, or so I’m told; as mine is brimful of decorum.

‘In-house numpty’s’ Junior 2.0  has just left after a visit across xmas, so now we can return to drawing our usual battle lines… they don’t share enough of the good food, and I might just miss the litter tray on the odd occasion!

Must remember not to go so far as to make it look like some serious disease-thing though; otherwise I might be dragged off to the vet in that strange cage thing left out in the passageway as some kind of humanoid threat. Is that the best they can do?

Anyway, I digress with these deliciously wicked thoughts and future plans of retribution. “Tis the season to be jolly” they keep saying on the talking box in the corner of the room. What was more interesting on my recent visit to the local mega cultural centre (aka the Millennium Centre) was a true recognition of the challenge this time of year presents for so many people. It seems that one of the key messages in Cardiff this year reflects a sense of reality… seasons greetings are reserved ‘Only for the Brave’!

Brave xmasUntil we speak again this Bella is puzzling over what the overhead spectre in the Millennium Centre in Cardiff is meant to represent. Any suggestions welcomed on the back of a postcard.

Nadolig Llawen

It’s the time of year when Cardiff has to look deep inside itself… to find three wise men. But, if its wisdom you’re in search of just look up (no great discoveries emerged from looking on the floor all day, except unsolicited gifts from the rear end of dogs that is). Star Wars might be the ‘in thing’ at the cinema, but who would have thought that Cardiff will find a unique way of reminding you!

No 3 wise men!

It has become all the rage in recent years for German Christmas Markets. At least it provides something to do with all of those surplus sheds since the downturn in the economy; or is it a sign that the modern re-constructed man spends more time in the kitchen and in front of the bathroom mirror, and less time in the shed? The monotonous selection of wood winds its way around many parts of The Hayes, but try to find anything of use in any of them?

Festive Quarter [2]


The presence of a windmill does little to celebrate the German origin of the whole tradition…

Festive Quarter [1]

But fear not, when hunger bites the German sausage can be relied on to come to the rescue (or is this a convenient location to offload your badly behaved children?)…

Festive Quarter [3]Having dumped the minor irritants in the vicinity of a sausage making machine it’s time to catch up on some of that much-needed liquid refreshment. Why not try the Moose Head Bierkeller? Provided you can navigate the Canada and Germany cultural collision you might be surprised to find a full range of non-Canadian and non-German fayre. The ubiquitous Welsh flag and Union Jack are on hand to resolve any geographical cognitive dissonance at this point!

Festive Quater [4]So all that’s left to do is stagger home by the light of the understated seasonal illuminations…

The Hayes [1]

St Mary Street

Xmas is about?Which just leaves this home-based Bella time to reflect on the true meaning of this time of year. Is it something to do with the fairy tales that emerge from the dark tower at the heart of the pious city? Or should I just practice my look of utter surprise as Santa comes down the non-existent chimney?

X-ray eyes





Until we speak again have a merry christmas, or Nadolig Llawen as a few of the locals around here are occasionally heard to say.

It’s a carve up!

Pretty girl [1]Family birthday events do have a habit of clashing with the run up to christmas; but then it’s difficult to shift a birthday I suppose. So what can be done if the christmas effect is to be avoided in the culinary department? Nothing it would appear, but then who listens to the advice of a knowledgeable cat? It comes as an unusual experience for my kind not to be in complete control of what goes on, particularly when this bunch of humans decide to go off to ‘noshville’ without me!

22669161 It seems the older, so-called wiser members of the group decided to do the same thing as last year. Well, don’t blame me if you get the same as you already had! There were incessant moans about the rubbish service from my ‘resident gourmand‘ on the news of the deja vu eating experience. Nevertheless, off to the Marriott Hotel in central Cardiff is where the starving clan congregated. [With thanks to for the above image of the hotel exterior].

Marriott [1]

It seems that the place was quite popular, or is that just the christmas effect kicking in? Anyway, those who should have been at home taking care of my culinary delights were led to a table in close proximity to carver central…

Marriott [2]

Marriott [3]It seems that lightening really does strike twice, as I hear it took three separate members of staff an eternity to sort out bringing a bottle of Rioja and a couple of glasses to the table… a mere 20 minutes later than the glass of Pino Grigio and glass of Pino Rose requested by others in the party.

I wonder if draping a clean handkerchief around the bottle adds to the flavour of the wine; or is it just a sneaky flourish to cover up for poor service?

With a taste of wine smoothing the palate my discerning food taster goes for a simple mix from the starters buffet table; salami and ham accompanied by salad and antipasti…

Marriott [4]

But the coup de gras of the whole set up was the hotel’s signature hot buffet carvery, top ended with melt in the mouth turkey breast and beef, sublimely accompanied by crisp seasonal vegetables, a fluffy Yorkshire pudding and tasty gravy…

Marriott [5]Tis the season for brussel sprouts, and for all of the faint praise they receive, a crunchy sprout is a fine accompaniment to any festive dish. The overall verdict reported back to me was of a very tasty meal, but a likely seasonal recruitment campaign results in service that falls below the average expectations. So, until we speak again may all of your brussel sprouts be crunchy!

[Football explained, or not] K is for…

KARMA SUTRA… well, what do you expect when the birds (Cardiff City FC) and the bees (Brentford) get together? After all, there are at least 26 positions across the pitch (if you’re counting the referee and other officials); all laid out in front of a voyeuristic crowd!


But K is also for KINAESTHESIA… as the kick-ass locals are fully in tune with muscle tone, position and movement, resulting in the quite common recent experience of going in to half-time with a 2-0 lead.

City v Brentford [3]

However, K is also for KNIFE-EDGE… as once again the full 90 minutes turn on a Desmond (Tutu, that is… as in 2-2), as knackered knaves kibosh the chance of any kudos.

City v Brentford [4]Then, suddenly K comes to stand for KAFKAESQUE… as the kerfuffle of a final kamikaze raid by the home team produces a winning goal in the last minute of added on time. Kaleidoscopic splinters coalesce, as kindred spirits no longer stare down the khazi. Karma is returned, no sutra required; as unrealistic expectations are kneaded back to kite-flying proportions.

With all one's strength

Chilling in the sunUntil we speak again this Bella will be anticipating Kalamity with a capital K; and where can a cat find a proper kebab when you need one? For the record it was Cardiff City 3 Brentford 2, with the locals having played 21, won 8, drawn 9, and lost 4, which puts them currently 7th in the league.

[Football explained, or not!] J is for…

JIHAD… as the crowd are jingoistically implored to create mass jocularity as they ‘Do the Ayatollah‘…

Do the Ayatollah

But J is also for JUDGEMENTAL… as jubilation justifiably means jack when the crowd are off somewhere else on another junket…

No crowdJUGULAR becomes the jest at a critical juncture as the joust becomes a jibe with a converted penalty early in the game…

PenaltyBut jettison the japes as the second half nerves jangle when jaded jackasses deliver nothing more than a jaundiced form of JUSTICE

Another drawArmadilloUntil we speak again I will continue to be Bella… and for the record it was Cardiff City 2 Sheffield Wednesday 2, with the locals having played 20, won 7, drawn 9, and lost 4, which puts them currently 7th in the league.

Mounty bites the dust

Sleeping catMy ‘resident inebriate‘ does bang on about how traditional pubs are disappearing, only to be replaced by swanky bars, and craft this, brew that and hop the other! Why should I care, after all, any self-indulgent cat worth their whiskers would always go for swanky whatever’s.

However, as I was prowling around the Adamsdown-Splott-Roath who-knows-whats-where boundary in downtown Cardiff, I couldn’t help but notice that the local maple leaf had hit the turf, as the Dead Pubs Crawl gets a little longer…

The CanadianUntil we speak again I will continue to be Bella, but I guess that’s the end of any potential twinning of Cardiff and Ottawa!

Smoky Days

Pretty girl [1]A smoke and fire combination doesn’t have to spell disaster. Though when my ‘resident gastronome’ started eulogising about the taste of smoke I was beginning to contemplate instant evacuation from the joint! Rather than a fire-induced emergency, it seems the reference was more to a recently established addition to an over-full American burger type of market. The smoke in question turns out to be a Kansas influenced method of cooking that uses the b-b-q smoky style that brings out the best of taste in good meats.

The Smoke Haus [1]

Being American in origin, The Smoke Haus leaves little space on the plate. Ramping up the numbers of the obese population doesn’t seem to be a primary concern. Health hazards are just collateral damage when it comes to the pursuit of gastronomic pleasures. On the occasion of this particular visit a New orleans Burger, Kansas Chicken, and Veggie Chilli were complemented with house fries, rice, Guinness, and Anchor Steam beer. These were the relatively small portions, but for those who could eat a horse, or another more likely complete animal for that matter, The Smoke Haus is waiting to prepare the challenge for you!

Smoke Haus [2]

Whatever level of challenge you take on, there is the universal message to all diners… We Salute You! Well, they do get to pocket your hard earned cash, and this isn’t cheap by average burger joint standards…

Smoke Haus [3]

… The old adage is that you get what you pay for, and my ‘surrogate tastebud‘ tells me it is worth paying the upsell for a whole different quality of taste.

X-ray eyesUntil we speak again this Bella recommends the influence of smoke on you palate. A Smoky Day should not just be a melodic tune from Colin Blunstone! What next… how about sampling some fire-eating.